Blogging Up The Works

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Missing in Action.

Hello. I haven't been around much lately. Here's why, written mainly for my benefit to look back on later, but for your reading as well should you wish.

After a long fight we finally lost the flat. Having spent 5 days packing with only 8 hours sleep during those days we are now in a new flat which Linda hates with a vengence.

During those days and up to and including today I have seen little of Marj which is putting stress on that relationship.

I am extremely depressed. Probably even more so than when I first started blogging. It was my mates breakdown that caused that depression, not the blogging!

I can no longer look after Linda single handedly and will see my doctor to get some help though Linda is fighting tooth and nail against that idea. She also wants to move as fast as possible.

I need to have a quiet time but don't see how I can get it. There are days when Linda talked of suicide and I would have helped her. There are days when I have thought about it but I couldn't do that to my mum. I worry if the strain keeps building that I might find a way to "help" Linda commit suicide. I am hopeful of seeing my own doctor tomorrow and hope she can be of some help. though in reality I don't know what she can do. Mental Health care in West London is very poor.

I feel trapped, mainly by my emotions. The stark truth is there will probably have to be a choice.

1) Leave Linda and be with Marj so I can live a normal life but find some way to deal with the tremendous guilt I will feel as she has no family of friends to support her.

2) Lose Marj and stay with Linda. I will be left getting worse myself to the point where I probably will take some conclusive action to stop the emotional pain.

3) Try to juggle both as I have for the last two years but with the move that has become unrealistic and was probably so long term anyway.

If someone has a magic wand could they lend it to me please.

2 Comments:

  • If things are as bad as you say, and I do believe you when you say they are, then perhaps the best thing for you to do is what makes "you" happiest. It may appear selfish but Linda is unlikely to get any help from the NHS or Social Services when you are there providing it for her. You don't need to be a martyr to bring about a reasonable solution. Ask me how I know...

    You are stuck between the rock and the hard place. There just aren't any winners in situations like this, are there?

    By Blogger Elle, At 3:09 PM  

  • Mate, you are having a shit time, aren't you?

    If I was to offer advice - and I'm hesitant with your situation, 'cos it's tricky - I would agree with Elle.

    It sounds to me that if you stick with Linda, you'll end up needing help too.

    You've done a balancing act with your sense of responsibility and your own happiness over the last two years. Maybe it's now time for you to look after number one a bit and start doing what YOU want.

    Of course, easy for me to say, from the other end of keyboard.

    By Blogger Masher, At 6:48 AM  

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