Promotion

My position in Marj's house has been improved.

I am now officially The Spider-Finder General!

Crime & Punishment

I have now completed 38 hours of community service.

Do you all feel safer in your beds at night?

So far I have helped;

Clear an area of allotments.
Clear some waste ground.
Creosote a fence.
Trim back an overgrown passageway. (Fnarr Fnarr)
Trimmed another overgrown passageway.

And I've become the face of community service in Ealing. Well, not the face so much as the back of the head of community service in Ealing. There was a bit of a jaunt for the powers that be as last week was some incredibly boring anniversary and they needed some photos. There were 15 of us to choose from but, what a surprise, they chose to use the two white guys rather than the 13 black and asians. It did however give me the chance to explain quite forcibly to the powers our views on the work.

Although I am doing pretty much manual stuff everytime there are two types. One givers some level of "job satisfaction", the other doesn't. When we cleared allotment 1 I was talking to the guy who runs these sites for the council. He explained that when the allotment is finally opened the income will be £350 per year. We had 15 of us there and thus provided the equivalent of about £1000 of labour. He couldn't aford to do this if we weren't available and thus you do feel as though it will make a difference.

Last week when we cleared the alleyway, much of the ground level overgrowth was in front of the residents gasrage doors. It didn't take much cutting back or removal but they obviously couldn't be arsed to do it themselves. I don't see why we should tidy up after residents who have caused the problem in the first place.

It was basically those two points I put across to the local councillor and the Head of the Community Service. Suprised I didn't get another 100 hours for my cheek!

Misdemeanours

I have so much crap happening, (crappening?), that I can't finish the long awaited mega post re my life of crime so here are the facts.

Got done for driving whilst disqualified. Arrestable offence so was. No drink, drugs or other party involved.

Court gave me 100 hours community service, the same number which is given routinely to teenagers who stab people if they have mitigating circumstances. I have done 24 already. And I have a one year ban on driving which I am sticking to. Next time is possibly imprisonable. Then again, that could sort out the where to live issue!

Right, onwards and upwards.

Home is where the court is.

Well, we live to fight another day on the house front. Or another 8 days from now. Back in court then, and if I can prove projected earnings we keep it, if I can't then it's bye bye home.

Still, there's another 2 lottery draws till then so that's o.k. then.

And now, the end is near.....

Indeed, the end of this seasons opera has come. I enjoyed it, the others enjoyed it, the audience enjoyed it. I think we can take it that it was an enjoyable experience all round.

What isn't so enjoyable at the moment is some of the other bits of my life. For those who know don't know the story of Faust he makes a pact with the devil and sells his soul. I sometimes wonder whether I've done the same.

Apart from losing my licence, and yes, I still know I have to give you the story of my arrest etc and also why I'm in the early stages of doing 100 hours community service but today also sees me in court this afternoon to try and stop our eviction from what has been my home for 31 years.

At the end of Faust the Chorus have the last lines;

"Let Earth be severe,
Let Earth be severe,
Heaven is forgiving."

For some reason I've found that this has become my personal mantra at the moment. Let's hope a bit of heavenly forgiveness shines on us this afternoon.

I'm pleading lack of time yet again for the lack of posts, but time is an even greater commodity as this week sees our performance of Faust.

Final rehearsals started on Saturday. Tonight is the SitzProbe, (a run through with the orcheastra rather than the strange medical examination it sounds like), Tuesday, the Technical rehearsal, Wednesday the Dress Rehearsal, and then Thursday, Friday and Saturday the performances. This will be followed by the cast party and much collapsing with exhaustion!

Those who live by the sword......

Not another one of my proverb posts, although it might be interesting.

The Da Vinci Code is released on the 19th and The Catholic Church and Opus Dei are gearing up to refute it's claims.

The problem for the church, and as much for the broad church as just one sect, is that they cannot deny that historically they have over-ridden other religions and facts to further their cause. No-one can deny The Inquisition and in the beginning of Christianity around the world they took over the pagan festivals and converted them to Christian celebrations. Indeed, we see the same happening today, where "The Church of Political Correctness" thinks Christmas should be abandoned in favour of an all inclusive Winter Festival.

I have read the book, along with millions of others, (readers, not books), and enjoyed it. Whether there be any truth in it whatsoever with regard to the central premise or not I found it a good read. Because of religions past behaviour however, one does certainly wonder whether there might be something in it.

The Church really need not worry though. Those who believe in Christ et al, are unlikely to be swayed away from their beliefs and for those who are non-believers it will just be a film with a story they either like or don't.

Ooowwww!!!!

Lack of posts due partly to me being in great pain with a jaw infection.

On the positive side, I am hopeful that the long awaited contract in Jersey is on the brink of being signed.

Updates will re-commence when I can stand the pain of my jaw and the pain of writing them.

Public Enemy no 1.5

No update today because I haven't had a chance and I won't be online tomorrow but by Saturday I will have written up a number of posts either about me or some of the stories I have heard whilst hanging around the courts.

Wait with baited breath!

Public Enemy no 1

In the upcoming news, which if your lucky will be posted tomorrow, you can hear about my arrest and court appearance!

There, that's got your attention hasn't it!!!

Not waving, but drowning

Not dead, just resting.

Well not resting, just access to the internet is a bit intermittent at the moment but normal service will be resumed shortly.

As it was in the begining....

I was looking through my old school reports the other day. They stretch from age 7 to 17. They chart the decline of my educational abilities from "excellent work" and "this boy is happy, helpful and a good worker" down to "this boy is lazy and unless he undertakes serious revision will fail - disaster looms!"

I'm not sure who must have been most disappointed with the latter remark, my parents or the teacher involved. It wasn't me. It was water off a ducks back. If everyone manages to find their own level of incompetence I succeded at a relatively early age.

Teachers these days are not allowed to make negative comments any more and thus the children of today will never have such gems levied at them as those of the students of my day. No teacher these days would dare write "this boy would be out of his depth in a puddle!". No wonder teachers are leaving their profession when all the fun has been stopped. There was a boy in my year who received the comment "this boy would feel much more at home in a circus". I believe that comment came from our biology teacher "Frogspawn" Jones. His circus comments were not unusual but in one case accurately predictive as the boy involved did in fact pursue a career as a clown, and quite a succesful one at that.

Were the teachers right about my laziness? Not quite. What they were actually seeing was a child who relied on natural ability and never put in more effort than natural ability allowed. A child who became an adult with the same trait.

Proverbials # 2 - Give a man enough rope.....

Following a series of deliveries Kev and I were in possession of a particularly long length of rope. Enough to run up and down an articulated lorry two or three times. If that isn't enough rope for suspension purposes then I don't know what is. WIt was placed on hid driveway on Monday.

I didn't inform him that he was taking part in this experiment, partly because I didn't want to influence him into doing the opposite out of sheer cussedness, and also partly because I hoped he might avoid the rope but his wife fall victim to it's charms. Well, we can all dream!

Tuesday passed and no contact from him. Fair enough, we occasionally have days when we dont talk or text. Wednesday, too, passed in a deafening silence. This was beginning to look like the first proverb to prove itself.

However, Wednesday night at about 11:50 he texted about meeting up on Thursday.

I therefore declare that even if you give a man way too much rope than he could possibly need for hanging himself, he fails to do so. Another proverb that is a waste of time.

Expect an update later if you also have to give a man enough time as well as enough rope etc.

Proverbials #2 - Intro

A chance has come my way to test out the proverb "Give a man enough rope and he will hang himself".

More to follow. Possibly.

Proverbials #1 - Never Look A Gift Horse In The Mouth

The first problem was to find a gift horse. There are few horses in this neck of West London. Those that are almost definitely belong to gypsies and are best not looked at at all. This obviously required a modicum of lateral thinking and thus I took myself off to Toys'R'Us and made straight for the My Little Pony display.

Looking into the mouth of My Little Pony is a tricky business, particularly when packed in a giant bubble of plastic, the horse, not me, but then, when someone says "look into my eyes" they don't intend you to open their eyes surgically and have a rummage around amidst the contents. This being the case I stared intently at the mouth areas of several of the ponies. This was a safeguard as there was an outside chance that a young girl might come along and buy a pony for herself rather than as a gift. The chances of that happening half a dozen times in a row was slim.

I left the shop. It didn't collapse trapping me within the rubble. All was starting well. Then, things started to go even better.

My power lead for the laptop had packed up the other day and IBM wanted £100+ for a new one, and even Maplins generic model is £49.95! Straight to e-bay and someone locally was selling an IBM lead of the right type and no-one had bid. Allowing a top bid of £20 which would have been well worth it, I had the start bid of £4.95 and by 3.20 when the auction finished it was mine, still for £4.95. Spoke to the seller and we arranged to meet, and three hours later it was in my possession. Result!

But not the only result. My journey to meet him involved me coming north up the A3 and down West Hill from Tibbetts Corner. A stretch of road so notorious for traffic delays that grown men have been reduced to tears and forced to eat the innards of their car seats as sustenance as the hours ticked by to move a further 50 yards. I entered the underpass. This was promising, I came out the other side. A hold up here would be average to good. I headed for the bit where three lanes become one. Still no traffic. In fact, the first time I had to apply the brakes was halfway down West Hill at the lights with West Hill Road! Not bad for 5.30 in the evening!!!! In fact, that would have been exceptional at 5.30 in the morning as anyone acquainted with the area would know!

Other more mundane things are going well and better than normal.

Conclusion : Not only is it safe to look a gift horse in the mouth, it is positively recommended. I can only assume that the instruction to desist from this action was started by The Society for Equine Mouth Gazers to protect their good fortune.

My next challenge will commence shortly.

The Proverbials......

I have decided over the next few days, weeks, months, I will test various proverbs in order to check whether they are to be kept safe and followed or whether they should be discarded.

Starting tomorrow, and with no thought to my own safety, I am going to look a gift horse in the mouth!

Addiction

I am fighting to prevent myself from buying absolutely everything on ebay.

I need help.

Freak Show

I hear that the next incarnation of Big Brother will include someone with Tourettes Syndrome. One must hope that this is only a rumour to wind people up. But if not why don't we put a Downs Syndrome child in there and the other contestants could poke it with a stick for our amusement. If anyone knows the descendents of The Elephant Man and they take after him then we could include them in as well.

Let's have us a freak show! Or perhaps the public could do something like not watch the series. No, that would probably be crediting our society with too much sense.

Bargain Update

The £139 car continues to give good service. It has now done 1000 miles since I bought it.

I thought there was a problem this morning though. I was driving along when there was a loud bang from the rear. I thought maybe it was the boot that I hadn't closed properly as I had just gone over a speed bump and that might have shut it. Next corner I come to I turn left and the indicator flashes double time. Rear indicator bulb appears to have gone. Before I buy one I just check the other lights are working to discover the entire rear nearside cluster isn't working.

Oh Bother! I think to myself. I decide it's shorted out for some reason and can see hours of changing wiring etc to cure it. Then I just check whether the bulb area is damp to find out that the light unit has just fallen away from iot's holder. Slotted it back in and everything is fine.

£139 might buy you a car, but not peace of mind.

Master Criminals

There is now a breed of criminals that are such a threat to society that their every move has to be monitored by camera, 24 hours a day, to stop them breaking the law.

It is probably you. And if it isn't it is almost definitely the majority of people you know.

It is.................... the motorist.

The latest government adviser has decided on this.

Who is this Mr Gifford? Apart from an absolute fecking idiot! Can the government honestly take notice of an advisor who wants to clamp down on motorists by increasing camera use because the 7/7 bombers travelled to Luton Station by car!

This government is obsessed with clamping down on motorists and raising revenue. Of course the fact that they were never meant to gain any money from the cameras but now do has nothing to do with it. Yeah, right!

If motorists are the scum of the earth then perhaps they should ban cars along with cigarettes and alcohol, as all of crime in this country appears to be centered on those three items if you believe them.

There is a road near me, Midhurst Road for those who know the Northfields area of Ealing, which is covered in potholes. It is a fairly busy road as there are schools nearby and it is on a route connecting a number of major roads. Someone, and this person should be knighted immediately, has gone down the road with one of those industrial paint cans and put a ring round every one of them. Then at regular intervals has sprayed "road tax", "car tax" "Fuel tax" etc along the road as well. A point well made.

The government now tax your fuel (fuel tax), your car purchase (VAT), your insurance (Insurance Premium Tax) as well as the traditional road tax. The roads in the meantime are a disgrace. I will have blogged previously on my Kennamatic site about the quality of French roads these days as oppose to ours. Soon it will be the UK with "chausee deforme" signs.

Meanwhile "official" cars are free to park where they want, and that appears to include standard police cars, without the fear of recrimination. Meanwhile you will be persecuted.

This is a rant I go back to at regular intervals. It is one of the few things in life that winds me up. I don't get stressed by traffic jams but this is beginning to get to me. If I am ever going to get into civil disobedience it will be over this issue. I have always pulled over for the emergency services when their sirens are going, and I always will for the fire and ambulance services, but I automatically presume now that if a police car is on "an emergency" it is either untrue and just trying to cut through traffic, or is after a fellow motorist, lord knows, they never turn up when people are attacked or burgled so they won't be on their way to that sort of incident. I feel, and I know plenty of others like me, that we are in a "them and us" situation.

Anyone know any good ways to make a stand that doesn't involve overtly breaking the law or getting yourself into too deep hot water? I'll sign up.