Christmas Greetings

Not sure I'll be online much now before Christmas so Happy Christmas and all that sort of stuff. May whatever you're stuffing this christmas be tender and succulent. What that might be is totally up to you.

So Here It Is, Merry 50th.

Today I have a strange disjointed feeling. Everyone keeps wishing me happy 50th birthday and I have no idea who they are talking about. Everyone knows you are old when you are 50 and I am still nobbut a lad.

Something is was afoot.

I knew Marj had planned something for last Saturday as an early suprise for my birthday. BY the wednesday I knew we were getting up early and going to Waterloo. I knew others were involved at some point.

What happened was, we went to Waterloo and got ready to catch the Eurostar to Lille, both a town and a mode of transport I have not sampled before. Then one by one, various friends turned up until we reached Lille where another two were waiting.

I thought what might happen was me and Marj go out for the day and then when we got back people might be in a pub waiting. The fact that people were willing to go to another country to celebrate my birthday at what would not be an inconsiderable expense to them has actually quite moved me. But I'm British. So I won't let them know.

And if you haven't been to Lille it's a really nice place. I'll definitely go back for a longer visit but at the moment it is heaving with poeople visiting the Christmas Market. And, I don't wish to worry any of you single gentlemen out there, but there are a couple of wedding dress shops that the girls in our party were drooling about, particularly at the incredibly reasonable prices being charged.

...when a man has to do.....

Well I did it.

I am now the proud owner of a Mahalo Ukelele, with a hard case and plectrum.

I also indulged as it was sensible in a teach yourself ukelele book plus George Formbys greatest hits book. I already do a passable version of "With My Little Ukelele In My Hand".

I can't begin tell you how pleased Marj is!

There's a certain time in a mans life....

As the countdown to my 50th moves relentlessly forward, just 14 days to go, I have decided that there is something I must do. I have felt it for some time and feel now is the appropriate age to fulfill this longing. So in the next few days, maybe even in a matter of hours, I will be buying a ukelele.

Why, I cannot tell, but I feel it's something that befits a man of 50 to sit in the evening and have a quick strum.

I wonder if my mother was frightened by George Formby when she was a girl. That might explain it.

Feud for thought.

Whilst in Turkey, the Pope is meeting Bartholomew I, the leader of the 300million Orthodox Christians. The aim is to try to build bridges following the split of the two churches in 1054AD.

It's taken 952 years to start talking?

Steady lads, lets go slowly on these talks, no point in rushing into anything.

When is a female not a female?

Last week Georgio Armani added his name to the calls for the ending of size zero models. He has stated that he will be usaing models that are more in keeping with normal women. They will be feminine, whihc he explains means "little breast and straight hips".

Sorry? Am I the only person left who think women should have some shape. Marj is much more "Renoir" than size zero and I'm glad of it. What he is describing is still waif-like, gamine, but mainly "masculine" or boyish.

And surely hereby lies the problem. I din't think it is too stereotypical to say that a great number of male fashion designers are gay. Therefore, is it any wonder that their ideal female model is more male than female, even if in a pretty way.

The average size woman in Britain is size 16 supposedly, therefore, when they all start patting themselves on the back for using size 10 and even 12 models they still are pandering to the minority.

Give me a real woman any day.

Trials & Tribulations

So "one-eyed, hook handed, cleric of hate", (I believe you have to call him that now by law), Abu Hamza feels that after years of preaching terrorism and incitement to violence that he didn't get a particularly fair trial. And also that those who carried out the bombing of 7/7 and 9/11 didn't help either.

No, you probably didn't Abu. Tough life isn't it.

I've become rather fed-up with the wonderful world of windows and whilst I'm still going to do odd contracts for family, friends and existing customers that I like, from now I am concentrating on just one product, (for the time being), through my new company.

Welcome to Serranda Shutters.

Feel free to leave feedback on how you think the site works. It is as always a work in progress but at least it's now online.

So Gifted

Latest government directive to screw up the world of education is that all scholls have a register of gifted and talented pupils. Fair enough.

Government says that 25% of pupils must be registered!

That should make truly gifted children feel better when the oik down the road gets into the register for being able to pick his nose simultaneously with both fingers.

And don't even get me started on the report regarding the awarding of A & As levels where commas aren't required and the use of "u" rather than "you" is acceptable.

The Good, The Bad and The Unlikely

Many of you must be waiting with baited breath to hear whether my proposed 50th Birthday party if I'm a millionaire is going ahead.

The answer is I still plan to do it. The problem is that I'm still aproximately a million short. Still, the good news is that with 6 weeks to go there are still a number of National Lottery draws left!

Happy Birthday Muffin

Happy Birthday Muffin the Mule.

So old is this tele programme that it had finished before I was born. Just.

Altogether now!

"We love Muffin, Muffin the Mule"

No sniggering at the back you boys!!!

Handy Hint #178

If you have a conservatory or house guttering that has a flat bottom (ogee), then you can clean it easily by cutting off the bottom of a plastic milk bottle and running it along the guttering. It scoops everything up and your gutters will run clean and true once again.

Brought to you by "I've Got A Milk Bottle and I Know How To Use It"

Taming the Terrible Tens

This afternoon Marj has to teach the class from Hell.

Year 6 are a bunch of kids who cannot sit still for more than about 5 minutes without mayhem breaking out. If they're not talking/laughing/shouting, they are hitting each other or generally larking about. It will be worse today because they has Assessments this morning and they will have been "quiet" and under control, or what passes as control for them, all morning.

Every teacher in the school dreads having them regardless of how many yuears in the job because they cannot be controlled. Because now you cannot do anything to control them.

I'm sorry, I'm going to say it, but "In My Day" it just wouldn't be tolerated.

I once got slapped on the leg with a ruler by the teacher when I was too busy talking to Malcolm Venn and didn't see her creep up on me. Can't do that now. It's common assault.

I remember the whole class having to sit with their hands on their heads for talking or with a finger to their lips to remind us not to talk. Can't do that now. That's listed under child abuse.

Really disruptive children can be sent to the headmistress who can talk to them about their behaviour. Oh wow. That really panics them.

So on the whole, this clkass will go on to senior school with no sense of discipline, achieving lower standards of literacy and numeracy than they should, and no doubt the parents will blame the teachers.

If I got into trouble at school I wouldn't go home and tell my parents, I'd only expect to get told off again by them. (I might if I thought i'd been treated unfairly). Now, kids rush home and the next thing parents are down the school complaining about little Johnny being told off cos really he's a good boy.

And the poor teachers aren't even allowed to get their own back by putting sarcastic comments on school reports. No wonder they all want to leave.

An Act of Kindness

As I sit here at my compyuter keyboard I should be about 100 miles north at my uncles funeral. I turned up at Kings Cross this morning to discover there were no trains due to power cable problems.

My main concern was that my mum was meant to be meeting the train I was catching so we could travel up together. I spoke to information and they told me the trains were fine at Hatfield.

They weren't. My mum turned up to discover there were no trains and she was going to miss her only brothers funerals. She went back to the flats she lives in and the warden, Peter, saw her. Knew where she had meant to be going and asked why she was back. She told him and he said to give him 10 minutes to make some arrangements and he would drive her there himself because there was no way she was going to miss out on being there.

I don't mind missing out, funerals are not my cup of tea at the best of times, but I am eternally grateful to him for making sure my mum gets to see her brother off.

Bus(t)

So there I was sat on my local bus at the traffic lights when a lorry came round the corner and swung rather too wide.

My bus no longer has the rear offside quarter to it.

Tools of the trade

I have been looking for a tool to cut into brickwork in a very specific way. I didn't know if such a tool existed, but recently was sent a brochure for one that might do the trick. I expected I might have to pay up to £200 or maybe even £250 for it even though it. I wasn't expecting THIS!

THere was a German, A Mallorcan and an Englishman

Following my holiday in Mallorca I can share these observations with you for the German, Spanish and UK parts of the journey.


GERMANY

• If you ever have a few hours stopover in Dusseldorf make sure you go out to the main part of the airport as there is bugger all near the gates.


• SHould you wish to overthrow the German people this can be achieved by the elimination of all cheese from the country. They appear to eat nothing but cheese.


• Lufthansa are a good airline and I'm particularly impressed with the automatic check-in machines.

MALLORCA

• Even half way up a mountain in the middle of the island you can get a mobile signal if you need one.


• Don't think about retiring to Mallorca. House prices are exceptionally high.


• Diesel is 0.99 euros per litre, rather than 0.99p!


• The streets, even away from the tourist areas, are noticeably cleaner then the UK


• Ladies: Leather boots are an absolute bargain.

UK

• The only delay we had in travelling was coming back in to Heathrow which took quite some time queuing to prove I was entitled to enter.

Satisfaction Guaranteed

It's taken 15 months, dozens of letters, loads of phone calls and eventually the issuing of County Court proceedings against them, but today, Marjs' insurance company decided they would pay her claim, in full, in cash and not make her accept vouchers.

I knew they would in the end. Who wants to be the company that has that practice tested at law and then discover that all claims have to be settled as cash rtaher than with vouchers that save the insurance companies 20% or so.

Kennamatic Vacation

I am off to Mallorca tomorrow for a week of rest and relaxation.

Bye Bye for now.

Cross Denominational Confusion

Listening to the radio yesterday they were speaking to some young Muslims who were explaining that they didn't like the fact that when we fight terrorism we pick on Muslims. As one explained, "when the IRA was about, you weren't picking on Christians".

For his information, and anyone else who failed to pick it up, the entire Irish conflict was a religious war!

As one door closes....

As he starts his community serivce, I finish mine.

On a serious note, George has a court sentence imposed upon him and the media has prevented that sentence from being carried out correctly. Should they not be charged with either "perverting the course of justice" which is what is actually happening, or "contempt of court". They have also deprived the New York community from an improvement in their environment for which it would be nice to think that all the journalists might go along on a day off to pick up litter to show that they are sorry.

1/8th Millenium

On 23rd September my mum and I will reach our combined 125th birthday.

Can anyone suggest something appropriate for us to do in celebration.

Catch Up

I seem to be in one of those periods where I have way too much happening and not enough time for reading blogs or posting much. Work is busy, social life is busy and computer time is severely diminished.

It's not likely to get much better as the rest of this month includes a weekend in Eastbourne. A weeks holiday in Mallorca by way of Dusseldorf. Three lots of installations plus anything else that comes in. Sleeping, I hope.

I guess it also all means that apart from being tired, things are generally going along quite nicely for once. My company may be morphing into specialising in one type of product soon but more on that when it happens.

Private life wise, I'm still living with Linda but spending most of my time with Marj. This situation can't carry on for ever as it takes it's toll on at least two of the three of us and therefore I am talking to my doctor about support for me and support for Linda as I am starting to make the move to be with Marj full time. It's a very hard decision to have made, and made even harder by the feeling that I am running away from a difficult situation and abandoning Linda but my doctor thinks it is the right decision, for Linda as well as for me. (For those passing through, Linda has suffered with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder for 10 years and shows signs of getting worse rather than better).

Anyway, as long as you don't expect hourly bulletins from yours truly you will get the odd bit of news.

Probably.

Age is all in the mind.

Was chatting with someone the other day who helps out at an old peoples home. There's a retired Brigadier there who has just traded in his Lexus IS200 2 litre for the newer 2.5 litre because the old one wasn't exciting enough. The Brigadier is 96!

And talking of age, in Septemeber me and my mum are having a bit of a party as our combined age will reach exactly 125 years old. Who'd have thought it, we'll have seen as eigth of a millenium!!!

Travels With My Ant

Have been on holiday.

I am back.

Did not go with an ant. I lied.

Co-Incidence?

Can there be any connection between the two stories that appeared in Metro the other day?

On the same day that the government want to cut the nuclear defence capability to cut costs, they are also trying to push throught the purchase of "Blair Force One" as the intended purchase of a Prime Minesterial equivalent of the US Presidents jet has been called. The new Jet, along with one for the Queen, will cost mopre money to run, even forgetting the purchase, than the present service supplied by the RAF. To my knowledge, I don't think the Queen has asked for a private jet so I guess it's being offered to make sure it doesn't look as though it's just Blair who wants one.

Next time we have an election, can people vote for a party that might be interested in the governing of the country rather than just the trappings of office.

Promotion

My position in Marj's house has been improved.

I am now officially The Spider-Finder General!

Crime & Punishment

I have now completed 38 hours of community service.

Do you all feel safer in your beds at night?

So far I have helped;

Clear an area of allotments.
Clear some waste ground.
Creosote a fence.
Trim back an overgrown passageway. (Fnarr Fnarr)
Trimmed another overgrown passageway.

And I've become the face of community service in Ealing. Well, not the face so much as the back of the head of community service in Ealing. There was a bit of a jaunt for the powers that be as last week was some incredibly boring anniversary and they needed some photos. There were 15 of us to choose from but, what a surprise, they chose to use the two white guys rather than the 13 black and asians. It did however give me the chance to explain quite forcibly to the powers our views on the work.

Although I am doing pretty much manual stuff everytime there are two types. One givers some level of "job satisfaction", the other doesn't. When we cleared allotment 1 I was talking to the guy who runs these sites for the council. He explained that when the allotment is finally opened the income will be £350 per year. We had 15 of us there and thus provided the equivalent of about £1000 of labour. He couldn't aford to do this if we weren't available and thus you do feel as though it will make a difference.

Last week when we cleared the alleyway, much of the ground level overgrowth was in front of the residents gasrage doors. It didn't take much cutting back or removal but they obviously couldn't be arsed to do it themselves. I don't see why we should tidy up after residents who have caused the problem in the first place.

It was basically those two points I put across to the local councillor and the Head of the Community Service. Suprised I didn't get another 100 hours for my cheek!

Misdemeanours

I have so much crap happening, (crappening?), that I can't finish the long awaited mega post re my life of crime so here are the facts.

Got done for driving whilst disqualified. Arrestable offence so was. No drink, drugs or other party involved.

Court gave me 100 hours community service, the same number which is given routinely to teenagers who stab people if they have mitigating circumstances. I have done 24 already. And I have a one year ban on driving which I am sticking to. Next time is possibly imprisonable. Then again, that could sort out the where to live issue!

Right, onwards and upwards.

Home is where the court is.

Well, we live to fight another day on the house front. Or another 8 days from now. Back in court then, and if I can prove projected earnings we keep it, if I can't then it's bye bye home.

Still, there's another 2 lottery draws till then so that's o.k. then.

And now, the end is near.....

Indeed, the end of this seasons opera has come. I enjoyed it, the others enjoyed it, the audience enjoyed it. I think we can take it that it was an enjoyable experience all round.

What isn't so enjoyable at the moment is some of the other bits of my life. For those who know don't know the story of Faust he makes a pact with the devil and sells his soul. I sometimes wonder whether I've done the same.

Apart from losing my licence, and yes, I still know I have to give you the story of my arrest etc and also why I'm in the early stages of doing 100 hours community service but today also sees me in court this afternoon to try and stop our eviction from what has been my home for 31 years.

At the end of Faust the Chorus have the last lines;

"Let Earth be severe,
Let Earth be severe,
Heaven is forgiving."

For some reason I've found that this has become my personal mantra at the moment. Let's hope a bit of heavenly forgiveness shines on us this afternoon.

I'm pleading lack of time yet again for the lack of posts, but time is an even greater commodity as this week sees our performance of Faust.

Final rehearsals started on Saturday. Tonight is the SitzProbe, (a run through with the orcheastra rather than the strange medical examination it sounds like), Tuesday, the Technical rehearsal, Wednesday the Dress Rehearsal, and then Thursday, Friday and Saturday the performances. This will be followed by the cast party and much collapsing with exhaustion!

Those who live by the sword......

Not another one of my proverb posts, although it might be interesting.

The Da Vinci Code is released on the 19th and The Catholic Church and Opus Dei are gearing up to refute it's claims.

The problem for the church, and as much for the broad church as just one sect, is that they cannot deny that historically they have over-ridden other religions and facts to further their cause. No-one can deny The Inquisition and in the beginning of Christianity around the world they took over the pagan festivals and converted them to Christian celebrations. Indeed, we see the same happening today, where "The Church of Political Correctness" thinks Christmas should be abandoned in favour of an all inclusive Winter Festival.

I have read the book, along with millions of others, (readers, not books), and enjoyed it. Whether there be any truth in it whatsoever with regard to the central premise or not I found it a good read. Because of religions past behaviour however, one does certainly wonder whether there might be something in it.

The Church really need not worry though. Those who believe in Christ et al, are unlikely to be swayed away from their beliefs and for those who are non-believers it will just be a film with a story they either like or don't.

Ooowwww!!!!

Lack of posts due partly to me being in great pain with a jaw infection.

On the positive side, I am hopeful that the long awaited contract in Jersey is on the brink of being signed.

Updates will re-commence when I can stand the pain of my jaw and the pain of writing them.

Public Enemy no 1.5

No update today because I haven't had a chance and I won't be online tomorrow but by Saturday I will have written up a number of posts either about me or some of the stories I have heard whilst hanging around the courts.

Wait with baited breath!

Public Enemy no 1

In the upcoming news, which if your lucky will be posted tomorrow, you can hear about my arrest and court appearance!

There, that's got your attention hasn't it!!!

Not waving, but drowning

Not dead, just resting.

Well not resting, just access to the internet is a bit intermittent at the moment but normal service will be resumed shortly.

As it was in the begining....

I was looking through my old school reports the other day. They stretch from age 7 to 17. They chart the decline of my educational abilities from "excellent work" and "this boy is happy, helpful and a good worker" down to "this boy is lazy and unless he undertakes serious revision will fail - disaster looms!"

I'm not sure who must have been most disappointed with the latter remark, my parents or the teacher involved. It wasn't me. It was water off a ducks back. If everyone manages to find their own level of incompetence I succeded at a relatively early age.

Teachers these days are not allowed to make negative comments any more and thus the children of today will never have such gems levied at them as those of the students of my day. No teacher these days would dare write "this boy would be out of his depth in a puddle!". No wonder teachers are leaving their profession when all the fun has been stopped. There was a boy in my year who received the comment "this boy would feel much more at home in a circus". I believe that comment came from our biology teacher "Frogspawn" Jones. His circus comments were not unusual but in one case accurately predictive as the boy involved did in fact pursue a career as a clown, and quite a succesful one at that.

Were the teachers right about my laziness? Not quite. What they were actually seeing was a child who relied on natural ability and never put in more effort than natural ability allowed. A child who became an adult with the same trait.

Proverbials # 2 - Give a man enough rope.....

Following a series of deliveries Kev and I were in possession of a particularly long length of rope. Enough to run up and down an articulated lorry two or three times. If that isn't enough rope for suspension purposes then I don't know what is. WIt was placed on hid driveway on Monday.

I didn't inform him that he was taking part in this experiment, partly because I didn't want to influence him into doing the opposite out of sheer cussedness, and also partly because I hoped he might avoid the rope but his wife fall victim to it's charms. Well, we can all dream!

Tuesday passed and no contact from him. Fair enough, we occasionally have days when we dont talk or text. Wednesday, too, passed in a deafening silence. This was beginning to look like the first proverb to prove itself.

However, Wednesday night at about 11:50 he texted about meeting up on Thursday.

I therefore declare that even if you give a man way too much rope than he could possibly need for hanging himself, he fails to do so. Another proverb that is a waste of time.

Expect an update later if you also have to give a man enough time as well as enough rope etc.

Proverbials #2 - Intro

A chance has come my way to test out the proverb "Give a man enough rope and he will hang himself".

More to follow. Possibly.

Proverbials #1 - Never Look A Gift Horse In The Mouth

The first problem was to find a gift horse. There are few horses in this neck of West London. Those that are almost definitely belong to gypsies and are best not looked at at all. This obviously required a modicum of lateral thinking and thus I took myself off to Toys'R'Us and made straight for the My Little Pony display.

Looking into the mouth of My Little Pony is a tricky business, particularly when packed in a giant bubble of plastic, the horse, not me, but then, when someone says "look into my eyes" they don't intend you to open their eyes surgically and have a rummage around amidst the contents. This being the case I stared intently at the mouth areas of several of the ponies. This was a safeguard as there was an outside chance that a young girl might come along and buy a pony for herself rather than as a gift. The chances of that happening half a dozen times in a row was slim.

I left the shop. It didn't collapse trapping me within the rubble. All was starting well. Then, things started to go even better.

My power lead for the laptop had packed up the other day and IBM wanted £100+ for a new one, and even Maplins generic model is £49.95! Straight to e-bay and someone locally was selling an IBM lead of the right type and no-one had bid. Allowing a top bid of £20 which would have been well worth it, I had the start bid of £4.95 and by 3.20 when the auction finished it was mine, still for £4.95. Spoke to the seller and we arranged to meet, and three hours later it was in my possession. Result!

But not the only result. My journey to meet him involved me coming north up the A3 and down West Hill from Tibbetts Corner. A stretch of road so notorious for traffic delays that grown men have been reduced to tears and forced to eat the innards of their car seats as sustenance as the hours ticked by to move a further 50 yards. I entered the underpass. This was promising, I came out the other side. A hold up here would be average to good. I headed for the bit where three lanes become one. Still no traffic. In fact, the first time I had to apply the brakes was halfway down West Hill at the lights with West Hill Road! Not bad for 5.30 in the evening!!!! In fact, that would have been exceptional at 5.30 in the morning as anyone acquainted with the area would know!

Other more mundane things are going well and better than normal.

Conclusion : Not only is it safe to look a gift horse in the mouth, it is positively recommended. I can only assume that the instruction to desist from this action was started by The Society for Equine Mouth Gazers to protect their good fortune.

My next challenge will commence shortly.

The Proverbials......

I have decided over the next few days, weeks, months, I will test various proverbs in order to check whether they are to be kept safe and followed or whether they should be discarded.

Starting tomorrow, and with no thought to my own safety, I am going to look a gift horse in the mouth!

Addiction

I am fighting to prevent myself from buying absolutely everything on ebay.

I need help.

Freak Show

I hear that the next incarnation of Big Brother will include someone with Tourettes Syndrome. One must hope that this is only a rumour to wind people up. But if not why don't we put a Downs Syndrome child in there and the other contestants could poke it with a stick for our amusement. If anyone knows the descendents of The Elephant Man and they take after him then we could include them in as well.

Let's have us a freak show! Or perhaps the public could do something like not watch the series. No, that would probably be crediting our society with too much sense.

Bargain Update

The £139 car continues to give good service. It has now done 1000 miles since I bought it.

I thought there was a problem this morning though. I was driving along when there was a loud bang from the rear. I thought maybe it was the boot that I hadn't closed properly as I had just gone over a speed bump and that might have shut it. Next corner I come to I turn left and the indicator flashes double time. Rear indicator bulb appears to have gone. Before I buy one I just check the other lights are working to discover the entire rear nearside cluster isn't working.

Oh Bother! I think to myself. I decide it's shorted out for some reason and can see hours of changing wiring etc to cure it. Then I just check whether the bulb area is damp to find out that the light unit has just fallen away from iot's holder. Slotted it back in and everything is fine.

£139 might buy you a car, but not peace of mind.

Master Criminals

There is now a breed of criminals that are such a threat to society that their every move has to be monitored by camera, 24 hours a day, to stop them breaking the law.

It is probably you. And if it isn't it is almost definitely the majority of people you know.

It is.................... the motorist.

The latest government adviser has decided on this.

Who is this Mr Gifford? Apart from an absolute fecking idiot! Can the government honestly take notice of an advisor who wants to clamp down on motorists by increasing camera use because the 7/7 bombers travelled to Luton Station by car!

This government is obsessed with clamping down on motorists and raising revenue. Of course the fact that they were never meant to gain any money from the cameras but now do has nothing to do with it. Yeah, right!

If motorists are the scum of the earth then perhaps they should ban cars along with cigarettes and alcohol, as all of crime in this country appears to be centered on those three items if you believe them.

There is a road near me, Midhurst Road for those who know the Northfields area of Ealing, which is covered in potholes. It is a fairly busy road as there are schools nearby and it is on a route connecting a number of major roads. Someone, and this person should be knighted immediately, has gone down the road with one of those industrial paint cans and put a ring round every one of them. Then at regular intervals has sprayed "road tax", "car tax" "Fuel tax" etc along the road as well. A point well made.

The government now tax your fuel (fuel tax), your car purchase (VAT), your insurance (Insurance Premium Tax) as well as the traditional road tax. The roads in the meantime are a disgrace. I will have blogged previously on my Kennamatic site about the quality of French roads these days as oppose to ours. Soon it will be the UK with "chausee deforme" signs.

Meanwhile "official" cars are free to park where they want, and that appears to include standard police cars, without the fear of recrimination. Meanwhile you will be persecuted.

This is a rant I go back to at regular intervals. It is one of the few things in life that winds me up. I don't get stressed by traffic jams but this is beginning to get to me. If I am ever going to get into civil disobedience it will be over this issue. I have always pulled over for the emergency services when their sirens are going, and I always will for the fire and ambulance services, but I automatically presume now that if a police car is on "an emergency" it is either untrue and just trying to cut through traffic, or is after a fellow motorist, lord knows, they never turn up when people are attacked or burgled so they won't be on their way to that sort of incident. I feel, and I know plenty of others like me, that we are in a "them and us" situation.

Anyone know any good ways to make a stand that doesn't involve overtly breaking the law or getting yourself into too deep hot water? I'll sign up.

Bargain of the Century

At last, my weeks of cycling are at an end with the purchase of a car off e-bay for the princely sum of £139!!!!! Now that is a bargain because a) there was £45 quids worth of fuel in the tank, a new battery worth £35, and 6 months MOT worth about £21. so with those £101 pounds worth of good bits it means the rest of the car cost me £38. And if someone else hadn't been bidding he would have in effect paid me a pound to take it away as the e-bay listing started at £100.

It's an H reg Ford Granada 2.0 DOHC and it drives like it is new! No wheel judder even at 70 mph (+10/15 mph if you're not a police officer). Not a beat of the enging missed and kick down for overtaking was fine, responsive and definitely not showing it's 155,000 miles done.

The bodywork has the usual minor rust spots on the wheel arches, but what Granada doesn't, and to be fair, my bodywork isn't all it was 15 years ago!

By the time the travelling to Bury is thrown in, and the meals en route I'm all set up for just around £200.

If my usual pecuniary position had been any better I mmight not have though about trying to get a cheapy on ebay, but because it is I've got a real bargain.

Hurrah for the internet!!!!!

Trains & Boats & Planes

Actually, on this occasion it was trains and buses and tubes and coaches and trams.

Yesterday I had to travel, with Kev tagging along, to Bury in Lancashire in order to pick up the bargain of the century. Now there is probably a nice direct train from Euston to Bury but knowing Virgin it probably costs a nice tidy price as well, so I went for the alternative.

Train from Brentford to Vauxhall.

The journey started well with catching the 9.53 to Waterloo. Brentford station has no ticket office and like many of the train stations on this bit of South West Trains you buy your ticket on board. Or at least you do if someone comes round to sell you one! They didn't so, as there are no exit barriers in force today at Vauxhall that was £5.90 saved.

Tube from Vauxhall to Victoria.

We get to Vauxhall at 10.19. Two stops on the Victoria line costs £3.00 each but luckily a train comes straight away and we get to Victoria at about 10.30. No hope of dodging that fare!

Bus from Victoria Station to Victoria Coach Station.

This was a bit of a luxury as it's only about 500 yards. Kev however is not sure 500 yards isn't too far for him to walk so we catch a number 11 bus. "2 to the coach station" I request of the driver. He shakes his head and nods for us to just get into the bus and not bother paying. Within minutes we are at the coach terminal.

Coach from London Victoria to Manchester Central

Checking the timetable there is a direct coach leaving at 11:00 with just one pick up at Milton Keynes. (Anorak Corner - the 540 service to Rochdale). Victoria coach terminal looks a lot better than the last time I used it but that must be a good 20 years ago or more. Kev waits whilst I rush to the ticket office and purchase two of their finest tickets for the journey. £41.00 for the pair. Not bad I suppose compared to what the train would probably set us back. Stopping momentarily to buy a couple of sandwiches to keep us going on the 4 1/2 hour journey we bound aboard and grab the last two seats together. The rest of the bus, all 23 other pairs of seats are occupied by one solitary person. The coach is away on time. Leaves via St Johns Wood, Camden, Brent Cross and onto the M1. Slight detour at Milton Keynes to The Coachway which is no more than 5 minutes off the motorway and we carry on after various groups of people try to work out how they can sit relatively near to each other. After the M1 it's the M6 and then probably some bit of the Greater Manchester motorway system and into the Centre. Coach arrives about 15 minutes early, even allowing for a change of driver at Knutsford Services. At no point did anyone check we had a ticket for the journey but just as we were ruing the fact that we had bought one we remembered that the driver had counted everyone and rung the figure through to the office. Whilst this confirmed the potential numbers of injured should the bus crash, it probably also allowed them to tally the number of people aboard with the number of tickets sold. If there was a discrepancy then no doubt tickets would have to be produced.

Tram from Manchester to Bury

We had hoped to catch another bus to Bury but the next one appeared to be at 8:55 this evening. Probably not true but that ruled it out anyway and we weren't in the mood to go looking for a mysterious GMPTE bus stop with buses Bury bound. Rushing to the information desk to ask how we get to Bury one of the three remembers that there is actually a tram 50 yards away which goes there so we walk to the nearby tramstop and immediately miss one. Luckily there is only a 10minute wait and, having purchased a couple of £3.10 tickets, which again were never checked so we might as well have not have bothered, we board and shoot off to the Northern reaches of Greater Manchester. We arrive in Bury at 4:25, ideal as we are meeting someone at 5:00.

With just 35 minutes left what can we do other than go take refreshment at the handily placed Robert Peel public house!

Then it was bargain time!

Soda Crystals - You lucky people

Now why should I write chapter and verse when the manufacturer has done it for me!

The information I need to impart is that we halve the amount of powder or tablets we use oer wash and add about 90grams of crystals. Although they tell you to put them in the drum we use the drawer as it helps keep the amount of limescale down. We don't use any of their other products.

If it was good enough for your granny or great granny it's good enough for you!

Soda Crystals - The Preview

Millions of people throughout the blogasphere are clammering for the ins and outs of soda crystals. I shall be posting valuable information in the next few days. Please continue to breathe during your wait and anyone who faints from the excitement must see a doctor immediately.

How cold is cold?

Well, it feels a bit nippy outside. According to the weather this morning it is just over freezing point except for the wind chill which then makes it minus 2 degrees. What I want to know is, what is the temperature taking into account the standard wind chill plus that generated by the idiot cycling headfirst into it on his bike.

I suspect about -50 if my ears, hands and nether regions have anything to say about it.

Follow The Green Tarmac Road

Why is it that there seems to be a fascination amongst pedestrians for walking on cycle routes.

The A4 Great West Road has a really nice stretch of cycle path away from the road with a good surface. The pavement is also pretty new, in good repair, and not many pedestrians. Still, however, they are attracted to the green trackway with cycles painted on it.

Eventually I'll probably run someone over, although it will hardly register as I hurtle into them at approximately 1 mph. However, in the traditoin of farmers across the country might I just say

GET ORF MY LAND!

Snooker World Cahmpion

I recently purchased Steve Davis Snooker on my mobile phone. I am now ranked number 1 having beaten him in a tense one frame final. No prize money has been forwarded. I think that is particularly shoddy as I was just about to give up my job and live on my winnings. Another dream dashed.

Deepest Darkest Sussex.

Last Wednesday I visited the ancient world of Grayboland. i.e. Chichester.

The supposed reason was to watch Marjs' daughter Rachel playing rugby for Brunel University W.R.C. against Sussex Uni, but of course my real reason was to see how many statues of the aforementioned G have been erected since his departure.

Apparently it is none!

What is the world coming to.

Two other bits of information. One, they drew 5-5 which is a shame because that meant Sussex get promoted on some sort of countback system whilst the Mighty Bru, (I'm in the swing of it already!), finished second. Two, I went past Mr S's old house and discovered that the new owners have changed all the windows and not with me!!!!! I did what any self respecting dou ble glazing salesman does in times like this. I threw a brick through their windows and shouted "you smell too!", through their letterbox. (Not really, but I did curse them with the misting up of their sealed units at their earliest convenience. That'll teach 'em!)

Missing, Presumed Stupid

Sorry for the sudden hiatus but Marj's computer won't log on, couldn't get to the library and then we went away for the weekend to visit my dad and stepmum in the Norfolk Broads.

Even I wouldn't change my mind about blogging again that quickly!

You know you're old when......

......Just as your teenage kids are getting ready to go out for the night, you're getting ready to go to bed.

Lets Get Quizzical

In a fortnights time, Marj and I are going to be running a quiz. Running and compiling.

The mark of a good quiz question is where everybody knows the answer but can't quite remember it.

What's your favourite quiz question? (And yes, I may well nick it!).

On Yer Bike

I've now been without a car for a month. That's me, the man who can't normally last 24 hours without the smell of petroleum in his nostrils. Unbelievably, I'm not missing it. Well not too much and certainly nowhere near as much as I thought I would.

This must be due to the bike which still allows me to be mobile. So I surmise it's not the car but mobility and the chance to travel that is my "driving" force. Typical Sagittarian.

The benefits are;

• I've not yet had a cold. No doubt due to the fact that cold germs perish when icy winds are chilling your body to sub-zero temperatures as you glide along.


• 
  I'm definitely fitter, measurable both by how long I can cycle without requiring pure oxygen and also that I now use a higher gear, or is it lower?, whichever means your fitter anyway.


• 
  Having lost about 3 stone in the last year it is helping tone up a few of the more flabbier places!


• 
  Being able to get from home into Ealing Broadway, about 2 miles, quicker than I ever could in the car. And you don't have to hunt high and low for a parking space.


The downsides are;


• Reaching 11 o'clock at night and then having to drag your sorry ass onto the bike to pedal home.



• Thigh muscles that sometime feel tighter than Yehudi Menhuins violin strings.



• Saddles. They are not, even as a gel variety, anything like an armchair.



• The cost of batteries to keep the lights working.

I have every intention of trying to keep the cycling up even when I do have the car back, although I suspect the journeys that require a late evening return will be the first to go. And then probably followed by the rest. However, if I am going to attempt the mad bike ride of my previous post, I'm going to have to keep cycling just as training.

Without tempting fate, I have so far managed not to come a cropper at any point, but I can't imagine that will last. So if any of you are travelling in West London and see some poor out of breath idiot wobbling like a jelly on an orange bike either give me a wide berth or offer me a lift!!!

Cycle of Life

Following the triumph of my epic bike ride from London to the South Coast my erstwhile cycling partner, "Zulu" Loosley, has proposed London to the West Coast as this years merry jaunt. That will be the Thames followed by the Kennet and Avon. And supposedly just the odd 130 miles or so.

I may have to let the air out of his tyres.

Not what it seems.

I went to Princes Risborough yesterday.

I didn't see any Princes and certainly no Risboroughs.

For Whose Benefit. (Rant Warning)

There have been lots of stories in the papers about the Governments intended reforms of Incapacity benefit, and even programmes on television about benefit cheats. The biggest question for me is how the hell do they get on benefit in the first place. Cos I certainly can't!

Over the last few months I have convinced Linda she needs to get benefits and backed by the doctor we are making the applications. These started last Novemeber. We are little forward. Meanwhile, during that period I too have had odd weeks when I've needed to claim Income Support. Not managed it yet.

I'm not going into the precise circumstances because I don't wish to but I can tell you it is proving to be a nightmare. On one of the programmes that has been on recently, a woman with a seriously autistic child was trying to claim carers allowance. Her husband used to get it but when he died she was told she couldn't claim as a widow. So for the last 12 years she has had to struggle on. The poor woman is obviously suffering, the staff have seen the boy as she has to drag him round with her. It's obvious she is entitled. Bloody obvious! But no, not to the Benefits Agency.

Before people start saying that if it wasn't for the scroungers then we would get our benefits then that's not the point. We don't get told we're due them but there's no money, we just don't seem to get any further forward. They can't even decide, as a director of a company, whether I'm an employee or self-employed. It basically depends on who answers the phone on what day.

The staff must be harrassed. I'm pretty even tempered but even I get stressed talking to some of them. Then again I have spoken to some really helpful people there as well. It's a pity it's luck of the draw who you get.

Whether we get anything in the long term God alone knows, or any of the cases who don't get it but should. Eventually the stress of it will be too much for Linda and that will be that, she'll withdraw the application. Still, at least that way we'll have saved the government some money so that's alright then.

I Sayer, I Sayer, I Sayer

Good Lord, Leo Sayer looks like he might have another number 1 single. That'll take some of us back!

I saw him right at the start of his career when he was way down the bill at "The Crystal Palace Garden Party", an outdoor concert starring Rick Wakeman performing Journey To The Centre of the Earth. Leo was in his Pierrot pariod and was togged up acordingly. Girls swooned and fell of their platform shoes. Probably some blokes did as well.

There's no accounting for tastes.

Which of course bring us back to the possibility of Leo Sayer having another number 1.

Horrendous Hotmail

O.K. If you could plumb the depths of your memory banks for me I have a query.

A friend can get into their hotmail account from any computer they try except their own. When they log in they invariably get the standard "the site may be down, etc". They can't get onto the page to register for a new address either so there must be something wrong on their computer. I don't know what it is though. It will be obvious. You will know it. I'll feel an eejit for not knowing. I will however get Brownie points.

C'mon, cough up the info!

Now you see them. now you don't.

Lyle talks about voiceovers.

For me the most annoying thing is the need for all television companies to squash the credits of the programme you have just been watching to a size where an ant walking across the screen obliterates the entire lot whilst they promote the programme coming up next after the following three adverts.

Having watched a film or drama, wondering who a particular actor was, I really would like to check his name in the credits. Also I knew a set construction manager when I worked with his wife many years back and I like to see if a particular set is one of his. Not a hope. Even if you place your eyes 2 cms from the screen the writing is too pixellated to make any sense of it.

Would it be too much to allow the names of those who have worked incredibly hard to bring us our film or televisual entertainment their proper recognition? I really don't need to know that any moment now I might get the chance to watch "When Librarians go Wild" or "Post Office Counter Clerk from Hell".

Ooh, it's nice to be back and ranting again!

Two Wheels on my Wagon

As mentioned previously, I have taken to the bicycle as my main mode of transport at the moment. This model actually.

I have always hated every minute previously when I have been car-less but I must admit, although it is sometimes a bit inconvenient if I need to be somewhere fast, I'm actually not missing the car too much.

I'm not the worlds quickest cyclist, averaging about 11-12 mph, but it gets me there. It's also getting me fitter. I've steadily been losing weight for the last few months but the cycling is helping that along and generally toning up various bits of body. It's also squashing other bits but we'll not go into that here!

I've also managed to get two flat tyres in the last few weeks and it's not as annoying as changing a tyre on a car.

One of the other noticeable things is how much money I seem to have without pouring fuel into the motor. Probably a good £40 a week or more. That's quite a bit in my present pecuniary state.

Fitness, healthy bank balance, the chance to ring a bell when you approach pedestrians, what would it take to get you back on a bike these days?

How lucky can you get?

Well, I've got mine, have you got yours?

I think there's a 1 in 76,000,000 chance of getting the numbers up. Between me and Marj we have 4 chances. Our odds are thus slashed to only 1 in 19,000.000. That's only 33% worse odds than on the normal lottery which I've successfully failed to win every week since it started.

I reckon it's a dead cert. If I win it's drinks round my place. Although whether that place is in The Caribbean, Europe, America I have yet to decide.

The Return of Kennamatic

Hello again all.

I couldn't keep away.

Blogging eh! Can't live with it, can't live without it.

All the necessary infrastructure such as links and comments will be in place over the next few days.

For those who knew my previous incarnation little has changed, certainly not the income side of things, although due to my car becoming Kaput I am now cycling 20 miles a day!

Anyway, expect moe of the same old rubbish you were used to before, or who knows, perhaps a new age of enlightenment is about to dawn where the very erudition of my posting brings blogging onto a whole new level!

Dont hold your breath!!!!!